For your consideration

I spent this last weekend, working hard for the affections of a woman who I have been subtly gaming for two years. Subtly, because the woman in question was in a relationship during this time, and I as a business man, and an optimist I was long on the stock, invested early and looking to cash in. I waited and I waited, until this woman finally dropped the alleged boyfriend who was thousands of miles away. In return for my patience all I asked was for her consideration, a date, a drink, and possibly more. Was that too much to ask for? Patience is a virtue, or so I thought.

Instead I found myself at Martini Park three sheets to the wind, fending off another man. I use the word man very loosely for this guy because he was an utter disgrace to our male species. This guy was the pure definition of tool. Well actually this guy was such a tool in fact, that Webster's would need to redefine the word tool to encapsulate all of the quintessential tool qualities this "man" encompasses. While I do not name names here on this blog, this guys name sounded like A-shit, which was appropriate as shit would appropriately describes this guys personality and the grotesque mole growing on his face.

Now in the game of woman, competition is always a peril of the market. One must be cautious of the wily gamers who will swoop in and eliminate all of your hard work. Despite, that I never look down on competition, it forces us to be the best of ourselves in order to close those that we desire. However, this guy was no competition, he was a palsy victim doing brain surgery with a blindfold. This guy didn't even deserve to carry my left nut; however, he destroyed me as he convulsed on the dance floor like a crack baby whose mother failed to abort him.

I was not just astonished, I was paralyzed by shock as she turned to me and whispered "I like the guy to your right." I paused for a moment doing a double take making sure I heard her clearly and understood what she was stating. I simply replied "Why would you tell me that, because I like the girl on my left," bluntly pointing out that I was into her. She quickly replied with the one response that shrivels any mans testes "but we're just friends right," as she strutted towards my so called competition.

My disgust was obvious and I bolted out of the bar, without a word in any one's direction that I would be exiting the premises.

In this world today, and as an unemployed man whose fighting just to stay a float as jobs slowly shrivel away, I take solace in the hunt and hope for a good woman. While I was annoyed that at the turn of events, I also find it ironically hysterical. This woman who I had held in high regards, ACTUALLY found this guy not only attractive, but would consider letting him inside her both body and soul. How could I ever have been attracted to such a blind fool? I guess I have to take my lumps just as everyone else and learn a valuable lesson. Patience is a virtue, especially if your virtue is to get played.

Market Watch: Viva La Resistance!

Today, I am going to delve into a more serious and analytical post rather than my rantings on single life and football. Currently, the country is in a state of turmoil as the free markets that have built the face of capitalism are spiraling out of control. Banks continue to fail due to poor risk management and aggressive CEOs who were only concerned about their own financial packages.

This day was a long time in the making. While I am no economist or expert, I would like to express my opinions on what happened and why this new solution is a good step towards stabilizing the market though peoples concern about the plan are well founded.

Politicians our shouting that the $700B bailout package is a push towards socialistic and nationalistic polices that our brethren in France are world renowned. While I am a pure free market believer, in this state I believe the government must step up to steer the country out of the current state of influx. Even the founder of free market economies Alexander Hamilton in the 1700s stepped in during his time as the secretary of treasury to stabilize the market that has been responsible for our dominance across the globe.

Now for those of you who are not familiar with why the banks are failing, let me take you on a short and simple explanation for the current driver that is sending banks to the grave. CDOs - we hear that term thrown out time and time again as the driver, but what are CDOs? CDO stands for Collateralized Debt Obligations. So what is a CDO? Well lets say you have a large pool of mortgages that have been lent out by Bank A. To minimize risk on the Bank's balance sheet Bank A would combine all of these loans it has outstanding and create a type of security subsequently selling off pieces of these mortgages to investors primarily Hedge Funds and in return would collect a fee. The reason banks would do this is because if a lot of the loans go bad and they had kept them on their own balance sheet, since they are a regulated entity, per accounting rules they must take large losses writing down the assets. Therefore, if they sell off as much of the debts it has, it can reduce its risk to credit defaults.

Simple enough, and sounds like a great idea, so what happened? Greed is what happened? The CEOs of Bank of America, Merrill Lynch and others decided that they needed to boost their own returns so they could pump up stocks and in return help fuel their G4 jets as they fly around the world, on the backs of American money. Therefore in order to enhance their own profits, they kept underwriting these CDOs despite market saturation, and instead of selling them off, they retained the assets on their own balance sheet. Here we go! Now as the market began turning, the ARMs began resetting, people could not afford to pay their own mortgages, defaults skyrocketed, and Banks were holding onto assets that had to be substantially written down thus taking losses quarter after quarter, till there was no money left.

So how did we get here? In the world from 1999 to 2001 the US was recovering from the tech bubble bursting and 9/11. We were spiraling into a recession that was sucking out wealth and hindering George Ws' ability to fight for reelection due to the floundering economy. Therefore, the FED (Federal Reserve Bank) under the direction of Alan Greenspan, decided to lower the Feds Funds Rate and in turn increase the money supply across America. The FFR is the interest rate that banks can borrow at, therefore, if banks can borrow at a lower rate, they can lend to John Q Taxpayer at a lower rate. That means simply as Randy Moss would say: Straight Cash Homey!

Every one stood in line at their local bank hands open asking for money, 5 year ARMs oh my! Americans stood in line and invested in the only asset available and that they understood, Real Estate. Banks in return kept feeding the frenzy by giving money to uncreditworthy people also known as sub prime. 80 to 100% loan to value was the name of the game, don't worry about the LTV with real estate appreciations we will make out in the end the Banks thought.

I remember just before I finished college, I read this huge spread on the Wall Street Journal, specifically about the Real Estate bubble, and Greenspan telling us to tread softly. Right after that I moved up to Chicago, and all my friends were talking about how great Real Estate was, and how much they and their friends were making. I, not knowing a whole lot, but believing Greenspan, told them to be cognizant of what money they "really" were making. During this time people talked about "unrealized" gains they were making on real estate appreciation, but in the end that isn't cash baby. It's like me buying a Cartier watch then going to the pawn shop and saying, its worth 2Gs the market says so, good luck getting $200 in return. Until someone pays for it, the value is not real, and most Americans truly did not understand this, and continued to use their equity in their homes to lever up and reinvest in the Real Estate market.

The frenzy continued as credit was available to anyone who was asking, until the bottom fell out and foreclosures became more common than an article on Britney and K-feds baby drama. Banks had to start kicking out the people who could never afford to pay for the house they lived in. These people had 1 YEAR to clear out, and in that year, these people tore up the homes, and sent their keys to the bank at the end, which now is affectionately called jingle mail. Now the assets that were backing these mortgages are worth next to nothing, because there is no one to buy it and how are you going to take out the shit stains all along the carpet from the homeowners dog. Liquidate, Liquidate, Liquidate, pennies on the dollar. Now are the assets that are being written down actually worth nothing? Probably not. As former chairman of the FDIC stated the problem is not the write down itself, but rather how far it is being written down. How can we mark to market CDOs when there is no actual market to value the CDOs? However, per BASEL accounting rules we have to mark to market, there goes the neighborhood. So now who is going to save them now?

No one really, the banks crumbled, until the other banks who were left standing, with government aid, gobbled them up at substantial discounts.

So now back to the fundamental question of this post? Why does the $700B bailout make sense for the United States? The reason we cannot allow natural free market economies play out is because it was monetary policy that forced us in this position anyway. During the tech bubble burst, people were panicking because a substantial amount of their wealth was disappearing due to an over priced tech market. The NASDAQ crash was the FREE MARKET appropriately revaluing the price for technology. During the 90s none of us knew what technology was and we continued to invest in companies we didn't really understand, but believed in its future value. The reality was those companies were worth nothing, and once the market realized this it CORRECTLY repriced the entire market.

I believe a recession was necessary and important at that time because it is a natural check and balance on American wealth. However, the President at the time was going to be facing a reelection, and overall sentiment was moving away from concern about terrorism to concern about the economy. The brain trusts in DC sank the Feds Fund Rate to historical lows, next to nothing to flood the market with excess capital. The excess capital needed to be invested somewhere, and they in turn lent money to the American people who flooded the Real Estate market. Overvalue, Overvalue, that is what happened. The plan which was made in panic, painted us in the current corner we are in now. So why do I believe the government should intervene now with the bailout, because government intervention was the cause of our current state of affairs. To fix the free markets we must reverse the government intervention 10 years ago with another government intervention. So when one negative takes out the other negative, mathematically speaking, we should get a positive! If not I guess I will learn to sew and I will find a job in China, then I will see if communism works instead.

Moderation Please?

I stood outside, taking a drag out of my cigarette dispelling a plume of smoke when "someone" told me something I could not fathom. My friend who was standing next to me wearing a shirt two sizes too small to show off his rippling biceps, turned to me and cocked a small smile as we held our breaths trying not to bust out in hysteria.

Now what was the comment, what forced me to hide my emotions. Well here is the scenario: We stood outside myself, the body, and the man whose comment was heard round the world. The body who is currently coupled, mouthed off and told us: "You guys are single, You need to liven things up." I was still holding my cigarette in my mouth thinking of what dig I could spout as I respond to him impugning my game. This is when my friend spoke up without hesitation and proclaimed "I get too much ass as it is."

The body and I waited and waited until our friend walked away as we combusted in laughter. A man, yes a man, says he is having too much sex. I never knew there was such a thing for a man. Now I submit to you, I understand women tiring of sex, I could not imagine getting jack hammered all night every night and then subsequently having to fake it, that can be tasking. However, for a man, if he has the energy to take care of himself every day, why wouldn't a man be thankful to have a playing partner instead of playing solo.

Our friend H.C. Slizzy who could not believe this was said, stated appropriately the moment he learned of the comment: "That's impossible, it would be like me saying I get too much head, it's just not possible."

Now economically speaking per the law of diminishing returns, each time you have sex after the first time it will not return the same amount of pleasure as the first time; however, even if it's the thousandth time, YOU ARE STILL GETTING LAID!

There is a multi-billion dollar porn industry, men empty out their savings account paying women for sex yet my friend was just plain tired of getting ass. I guess I will have him call into Howard Stern and let Stern know he will have to retire, as he is the start of the fall of man.

NFL Rant: Look Ma' No Hands!

After a pretty tumultuous weekend in football with the biggest story being the fumble gaffe of the season, this is what I think about the call last Sunday. It was a terrible correct call. How can it be a terrible call if it was correct? This is why, the fumble which is clear as day in replay was called an incomplete pass on the play. The mistake was made, from Ed Hochuli's perspective behind the QB I could see how it may have looked like an incomplete pass. The rules state that an inadvertent whistle blown ends the play and cannot be reviewed and that is exactly what happened.

Now the actual problem with the ruling was not the missed call, but the rule itself. It handcuffed the referee into making that call and thus unreviewable. The reason Ed did not let the play run out and eventually review it was because the NFL's need to protect its QBs. Since, the NFL does not want QBs getting hurt in dog piles going for loose balls the "open hand" ruling forces the ref to blow the whistle much too soon. If it were a running back who fumbled they would have let the play continue and let the replay decide the fate of the fumble. They might as well give each QB a box of tampons and a pink jersey before they step out on the field. There are too many penalties protecting QBs, I mean if you slap your hand on a HELMET of a QB you will get a 15 yard penalty. The only person that would ever get hurt in that scenario is the helmet or the hand, and possibly fragile Tom Brady (only kidding).

Quarterback Carousel:

Tyler Thigpen: Costal Carolina can you please stand up! Congrats to the new kid on the block, you are going to be running the most dynamic offenses in the NFL. That is the most dynamic offense for the other team. KC's great draft class of 2008 is not going to help this kid make plays down the field. This team is miles away from where they will be in the future, so until then whoever is playing QB for the Chiefs good luck, and get a priest.

Gus Ferrote: Welcome back old man, 37 and you are still tucking away the paychecks with the NFL insignia on it. Well who knew that you would go from holding a clipboard to handing off the ball to one of the most dangerous weapons in the NFL. If you can throw a greater than 55% pass completion this season, don't worry about losing your job to Tavaris, with a hundred throws he still wouldn't be able to hit either one of Jessica Simpson's enormous breasts, the only one hitting those is Romo.

Rookie Watch:
Desaun Jackson: You incompetent fool you cost me a fantasy football win to a person who has spent the most time in the basement in his own league. Jackson has all world speed and talent, too bad his pea sized brain does not know where the goal line begins. This guy will be a good starter for about three to four years, but guys his size never last that long as a number 1 or even number 2 receivers, see Santana Moss for proof.

Matt Ryan: Welcome to the NFL. It's a lot easier to look like a star when you are playing the doormats of the league aka the lions. Despite his bad outing last week, I really like this kid. He preformed well in college despite having receivers that no one can name, and didn't even see the inside of the draft room. Matt has intangibles, especially leadership, and on team whose last leader is avoiding sodomy in the Leavenworth showers, Matt is someone they desperately needed.

Rearanging Arangements

This past weekend came and went without much to report. I was kept at bay due to 48 hours of continual rain that would sully any weekend. As such I missed out on my sordid affair with my one and only mistress the city of Chicago.

However, I was day dreaming in the shower, where I come up with all my inspirational material and realized that I forgot to return a phone call. This phone call became the idea that sparked a mental debate that I thought I should share with the rest of my followers.

The phone call in question was from my "uncle," I place the term uncle in quotation marks because as an Indian even a man with no familial relation can be called uncle. This man was my dad's best friend from medical school. His phone call disturbed me in the middle of Sunday football as I watched in horror as my team found more ingenious ways to suck. I peered at my caller id seeing a call from North Carolina, and I had no idea who it was, I answered in hopes that it was someone somewhere with a possible job opportunity for me, though I subsequently learned otherwise.

He was calling me in regards to a girl, a girl he found from his town in North Carolina that he wanted me to begin "talking" with. In my stupor, which came from far too many coronas, I did what any man does when trapped in a corner, I lied. I blew into the receiver pretending to lose the signal and that I could not hear, until he replied "how about I call you later?" Presto, even more simple of a lie than when a woman asks "how many women have you been with" and we quickly reply "the only one that matters is you" as we pretend to forget the "massuers" in chinatown.

This got me thinking, is the right woman waiting for me to call her or to buy her a drink? The question can be more simply put as a man do you like to hunt for your food or be served your food? It goes back to our most carnal impulses that are beginning to be constricted by the growing pressure to marry and settle down.

My parents always query: Why don't you just email? There it is, the game I have so tirelessly perfected is being tossed simply to the curb. Now instead of the bars, I must spend my time airbrushing my best picture, signing up to eharmany.com and lie on my profile. Well at least that part is a lot easier than coming up with lies off the cuff at a bar. I am not certain I will be able to Pouvich over email, though every challenge can be overcome.

As first generation children in our makeshift home here in the United States, a majority of our parents nuptials were arranged by their parental units as they were merely spectators along for the ride. Despite not knowing a thing about each other these marriages unlike marriages in the states, have a substantially higher success rates. There in lies the question though: why? I would submit to you that our parents never fell in love, but rather love each other out of circumstance. Therefore they never had the high expectations we here place, which we so eloquently learned from those Meg Ryan and Tom Hank movies. That is why the only genre in Indian movies is Romance, because they continue to desire what they never experienced. Here we have every genre imaginable, because every man would rather have two 9mm hand guns, covered in blood, squatting in some jungle rather than a romantic comedy describing how we were ensnared by our significant others (I think every woman in the world will kill me after this one).

Clearly, the grass is always greener, I just don't know which grass is truly green. I guess the reality is the grass is green despite the piles of dog shit you have to avoid once in a while.

I guess I will always lean towards the desire to hunt for love rather than have it brought to me. The problem that always becomes evident is how does one explain this to parents who do not have the experience to understand. I guess if I can't explain it to them I can always fedex them the Lword dvds, though I think that might confuse them even more.

Disturbia Burbia

My time out here in the burbia has allowed me to notice the radical differences in lifestyle from the city. I am no longer attached to my phone waiting for the last second text message stating "lets get ripped" throwing on my expensive jeans, black shoes and Ferragamo belt venturing to some bar and blacking out. Instead I sit next to my friend in my boxers, scratch my balls and watch reruns of Entourage all night watching a life I wish I had, even if it were as the second coming of Turtle.

Snails pace are the proper words to explain suburban lifestyle. I am in no way knocking it, it's just not for this high paced hipster who spends his nights scouring for loose tail. The irony is that inevitably especially in this city, as we get married and have kids, the suburbs end up calling us all and we fight vehemently before we succumb to our dull fates. I can't see myself in a mommie mobile looking at MILFs who have begun to let themselves go and things are starting to hit the floor. At least in the city the MILFs hit the gym quite often or the plastic surgeons office and stay in rare certifiable form.

The other thing that is quite evident is the food. If one loves fast food: taco bell, Wendy's, McDonald's, and if you are really in mood for a fancy night on the town, Golden Corral, the suburbs is the place for you. My friend who I am living with loves to eat a ham sandwich with cheese topped off with a combination of bbq sauce, mustard, and mayonnaise (yes he says the combination of condiments is good, though I will never try it). While he considers that fine dining, I could not imagine ending every night with a ham sandwich. For me I love going to the BYOB sushi restaurant where the waitresses don't speak any English, but if you say Ni Hao Ma, the dinner will be topped off with a happy ending.

For at least this week I am back in the city that made me, wandering the streets as a nomadic drinker, living the life I once had. Can you smell it? I can, the smell of week old bum standing at the street corner pestering you for change, ah what a life?

NFL Rant: On Bended Knee

For those of you who know me, you know I am an avid fan of the NFL and since the season has started I think I will begin a 21 week segment dedicated to the NFL one of my loves. So lets get started.

I have been reading a lot of articles on ESPN, CBS, and CNNSI that have been questioning or even discussing the "legality" of Marcus Pollard's hit on Tom Brady. I was irritated to even see people writing or more appropriately whining about the hit especially from the likes of Bill Bilichick (Overrated) and Randy Moss.

This is football ladies and gentlemen, Tom Brady was still standing up when he threw the football should the defender stop playing because he "might" hit the qb low. The irony is that Randy stated he has never been a dirty player and that he does not even know how to play dirty. Hey Randy wasn't it pretty dirty for you to hit a female officer with your car, a person who gets paid less than you make in interest per year to risk her life to protect people. Everyone has to love it when geniouses like Randy are allowed to even speak on camera.

Now back to the biggest whinner Bill Bilichick. He stated that he teaches his guys to hit a qb to hit above the knees and below the head. Wow really, yet he has the "dirtiest" player Rodney Harrison on his team roaming the strong safety position. Hey Bill maybe with your extra camera angles you might be able to see that it was not a dirty hit, and you won't have to "misinterpret" the rules to see that one.

I honestly am sad to see Tom Brady go, he reminds me a lot of Joe Montana a qb as a chiefs fan I have a lot of affection for Joe. He is one of the great qbs of our time playing for one of the worst coaches allowed to roam the sidelines. Just because we hate Bill does not mean we should hate on Tom, he has always been a professional and respected his opponents, but hey that's football and injuries are the name of the game.

Trust me I am not going to feel too bad for Tom because he is going to be nursed by Gisele in his penthouse somewhere in Mannhattan.

Rookie Watch:
Eddie Royal: This guys is legit, he has all the abilities, runs strong routes, good speed, good hands, and can return. Va Tech has done something right, Cutler is going to love to throw to this guy for years to come.

Matt Forte: People, even Chicago fans made fun of me when I drafted him in three of my fantasy leagues. This kid did nothing more than produce in Tulane, 2000+ yards on a bad team, and he is complete, runs, blocks and catches. This is not the second coming of Gayle Sayers, but it will certainly make bears fan forget Cedric Benson.

Felix Jones: The better of the two Arkansas products, in his short time in for Marion Barber he produced 67 yards and td. He is benefiting playing for a good team, but this guy is another complete back out of the college ranks. Runs hard between the takles, good speed, and has hands. Too many people got caught up in the highlight reels shown by ESPN on Mcfadden and missed out on this guy, he has the skills and talent to be a good running back in the NFL.

Fantasy Ranch:
Jay Cutler: Ladies and gentlemen let me introduce you to the best qb out of the 2006 draft. I never was sold on either Leinart or Young again more products of hype and talent around them rather than solid fundementals. Cutler doesnt have an arm, he has a cannon, his balls come out with zip and accuracy. When you have a qb who can throw the deep comback route or out, with pace that opens a lot of the playbook. Looking at the game he reads the field well and does a decent job of looking off recievers. He is still young and he has shown the steps to be an elite qb, after this year, look for him to take Carson Palmer's spot at the number 3 qb behind Manning and Brady.

Bar Games

As I recently found myself in the newly opened Power and Light District in downtown Kansas City, it had a quaint little charm for a city needing a little face lift. The only problem is that it was trying to be more than it was, it felt more like a $50 hooker from the Southside wearing a Vera Wang dress and thinking she could charge $1,500 for a hand job.

During my time home I was out and about in this newly formed city my game was impugned by a woman no less. My friends and I were out enjoying a few cocktails when my cousin who is shy by nature eyed a girl that he liked, put on his best game face and went over to hit on her even though the girl's boyfriend was hovering right next to her. I was impressed especially from my cousin who is a little introverted, but my excitement was muted when one of our friend's girlfriend stated: "Wow look at him he has balls, what are you guys doing?" Balls approaching a woman he already knew from class, I could see how difficult that could be, that is similar to anyone saying to me, it must be hard breathing and all.

I was flabbergasted and annoyed, especially when it was from a girl who opened her mouth all too often. Personally I think there should be a sign on her forehead pointing to her mouth stating "if open insert penis." (Those of you who know her, would agree, both males and females)

While I would not consider myself the greatest gamer, lacking balls is something I am not, especially confidence approaching women. This sparked the argumentative side in me and I started an "aggressive discussion" with her about gaming.

At one point she stated "approaching" is not that difficult and she used to do it all the time. The only problem with that is that she is talking about two different games. A woman approaching a man takes very little skill; unless the woman weighed over 200 pounds and had a face that looked like a beat up catchers mit. If she could go out approach and close with the best of them, I will be the first one in line purchasing her book. That saying, comparing women and men when it comes to approaching are in no way the same league, it would be like giving a roided up Barry Bonds a tee ball and saying that we are all playing the same game.

I don't want to sound like a petulant child whining when he didn't get changed the moment he shit his pants. The reason I say this is that many women do not respect the difficulty of approaching a strange woman at the bar and being expected to not only be charming, but carry the conversation and in the end giving us little credit for stepping up to the plate time and time again. If all of the women in the world disagree with me, I would suggest that you strap down your chest, put on a fake beard, grab a strap on and see if you can close one of your fellow female companions.

Not my Knot!

Last night I was scowering the knot.com looking for a wedding theme: stripped, jewel tones, flowers oh my; I quickly glanced down to make sure my penis was still in tact. The business side in me could not help but query, the business of getting married, what a business it is?

While a wedding is nothing more than a glorified Saturday night at the bars (I kid I kid). I spent this past weekend in my hometown helping my sister plan her wedding venue I began to realize the expansive cost and process it is to merely stand in front of ones friends and family sharing nuptials. It reads like a Mastercard commercial.

Flowers $10000
Alchohol $20000
Decorations $10000
Venue Rental $25000

Watching your future spouse's Bridezilla moment: Priceless.

There is nothing more fun than going to a wedding, drinks, food, and women who are completely aroused by the thought of marriage. However, looking at the event from the other side as the host, it got me thinking how much pressure we put on the marriage from day one.

Statistics show that 50% of all marriages end in a divorce, well I can think of $150,000 reasons why people should rethink their divorces. If the marriage does not last more than one year do you get a 50% refund on the wedding.

If in this country we have to renew our drivers license, hell even our fishing licenses, why not requre a marriage license renewal. At least we will reduce the percentage of divorces, just dont tell all the lawyers of the world that I suggested such an idea. The only problem is that the DMV would take over all the license renewals and in the end everyone would spend 5 hours there filling out form c and standing in line b, only to get to the front of the line and find out they needed form a. In the end people would leave in frustration without renewing their marriage, I guess unlicensed marriages are far better than unlicensed drivers.